Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
