I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
