Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
