You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
