shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
