Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
