I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
