i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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