You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
