My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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