He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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