Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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