anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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