She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
