6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
