I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
