Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
