I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize