I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
