i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Randomize
