Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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