my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
