Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Acid is not a monday night drug
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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