my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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