Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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