I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
