put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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