If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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