Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
