my vag is so smooth its legendary
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
