I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
