So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My feet surprised me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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