then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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