Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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