I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Welp...herpes.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize