batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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