My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
