I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
3pm strippers are depressing
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
