At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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