i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dear god my vagina.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
