just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
