Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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