I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
