Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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