I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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