having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
