How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
