I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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