Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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