We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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