Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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