the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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