if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My feet surprised me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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