lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
