Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
