I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize