you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
