My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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